What was I thinking?
Sometimes in life there comes pivotal moment that causes you to say, “Why did I do this, and what was I running from?” I said these words quite often in February 2011 as my life fell into a spiral of corruption of my body, mind and soul.
“What happened?” You might ask.
Well… I had just suffered a heart-break, and sought comfort in a person who was not meant to comfort me, and in replace of that comfort was the exchange of two souls that should have never met.
In the falsehood of my quest for real love, I failed to look in a place that was waiting for me all along. A love that would quench the ever-burning feeling I had in my soul…
Yes… in February 2011 my life was altered by a person who like Amnon in Samuel 13:1-21 who brutally raped his sister Tamar’s future. He slashed her self-esteem. He spoiled her integrity. He broke her femininity like a twig under his feet. He assassinated her character, and made her feel unwanted.
Now, I can surely say I was not physically raped, but my future was. I was caught up with a man who I thought could give me everything, but instead gave me nothing.
He left me feeling broken, he fed me lies, and he became deceitful. Sounds like someone we know?
Like Tamar, that worthless feeling of not being able to feel or be beautiful again made me feel like I was damaged goods, so I thought.
God Called…
Even in the midst of my darkness God was calling me …
Like a shepherd looking for his lost sheep, he wanted me to come back to him.
He wanted me to be safe in his arms where all my fears, doubts, and unbelief can just melt away like a fresh tear that falls from a loving fathers face when his child comes home.
So what happened next?
In March 2011, God reveled himself to me and I fell on my knees and rededicated my life to him. The scripture Psalm 34:4 came to mind that day, I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
My Revelation
What a miracle to know that even when I turn away God always welcomes me home with open arms, and sheds his mercy and grace upon me. He lets me know that I AM BEAUTIFUL IN HIS EYES BECAUSE I AM MADE IN HIS IMAGE AND LIKENESS.
I no longer have to feel unworthy, because I am worthy of his love.
The scripture that I always mediate on is Ephesians 2:4.
God loves me with an extreme, intense, and strong love. How amazing is that!
New Year…
I can’t say my life has been easy since that faithful day, because I’ve had a lot of medical issues, but I one thing I know that still remains.
If wasn’t for God I wouldn’t be here.
Every day, as I grow and walk in the Lord, I am reminded of that miraculous day when he saved me from myself, and I now know that God sees the beauty in the broken, that is me.
Closing Quote:
“Faith looks back to the past recalling God’s mighty works. Hope looks ahead remembering God’s coming reward.”
Nashuda A. Age 33, Olympia, WA
It is amazing how he can call to us even when we are not trying to listen. Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you April for your kind words!
March 7th makes it one year to the day that I obeyed God and trusted that he knew what was best for me in my life.
And let me tell you I don’t regret it one bit, it was decision I ever made in my life!
Yes nash I completly understand when you say God saved me from myself. Ahh the wonderful power of the lord